7 Hobbies for the Apocolypse

I believe in the zombie apocalypse.

Only the zombies won't be Zombies.

Because if the big EMP happens one day on a large enough scale, there will be mobs of hungry, wandering humans.  Conscious humans.  Desperately clever humans. 

Not at all like Zombies.

But not entirely unlike Zombies either. 

Movie Zombies are scary enough.  No matter how fast you run or how far you go, there are always more of them.  And more and more and more of them.  And they are always hungry.  And then, there's the scariest part of all - you are the food.

Hey, I hear ya.  Nobody wants to think about a zombie apocalypse.  Especially not me.  I cover my eyes during the Walking Dead.  I haven't been able to stomach a video game since my Frogger got squished.  I am the worst kind of ostrich.  So far, I have blithely postponed taking up a single hobby that might be of use when all things electronic cease to function.

Well.  No more. 

Think about it.  Not that we have enemies or anything, but should an electromagnetic pulse be released, everything that depends on electronics stops dead.

Forget taking videos of the chaos with your iPhone.  Or calling 911.  Don't bother checking the time.  Even your Timex will stop.  Along with my cute little Tidewater Blue 2009 Honda.  Mine, and everybody elses, unless they own an antique.

The refrigerated trucks that bring our perfectly plastic-wrapped chicken breasts down from Delaware will stop out on I-95 without ever reaching a Publix.  Tractors will grind to a halt in the field.  Machines that spin out things like plastic wrap and light bulbs and Prozac, all dead and done.

And my absolute favorite pastime of scrounging around in the refrigerator when I'm bored?  Absolutely zero fun anymore without electricity.

Everything will stop.  Everything electronic, anyway.  The things that feed us and makes us comfortable.  Every. Thing.  Except biological processes.  Those will keep going.  Hunger.  Desperation.  That won't stop, until, well...

And I gotta admit.  I'm kinda worried.  If it happens today, I am not at all equipped to survive. 

I'd be the first one on my block to get et, I just know it.

All because I just don't have enough hobbies. 

Swim-bike-run can only take you so far.

So I'm thinking a few new hobbies might help me feel more secure about the future. 

Here's the short list so far.  See what you think.  Hey, whether the Zombie Apocalypse happens or not, it's good to try new things.  You know - just in case you're bored with the same old yoga, tennis, or golf.  Or - just in case.

1- Archery.  First order of business, self  defense.

2-  Fishing.  There is a real lack of venison in this neighborhood.  Yes, people-meat should be plentiful, at first anyway, but the idea is to avoid going there - or being caught by anyone who has. 

3- Sailing.  Thank goodness for all those years of sailing.  And a room full of bikes. 

*Note to self:  Acquire sailboat.  And maybe just one more bike.  For survival purposes, of course.

So, transportation not too problematic, at least until spare parts run out. 

Same story with guns.  Not having the temperament for hoarding, my ammo would likely run out way before I could ever figure out how to make my own.

Yup, it's gonna come down to fishing and arrows. 

*Note to self:  Stock pile hooks, or at least save safety pins off old race numbers.  Get a fish cleaning knife.  And a whittling-sort-of-knife to make arrows.  Oh yeah - and a whet stone.  Learn to whittle.  Learn to sharpen knives.  Remember to compost.  If the fish won't bite, fried worms are supposed to be OK in a pinch.  Oh yeah, learn to make a fire to fry fish and/or worms.

4)  Upper body strengthening.  Have you ever tried archery?  Not for weaklings.  Or the wobbly. 

*Note to self:  Augment archery muscles. Start push up program, weight training, or better yet, CrossFit.

5)  Edible landscaping.  (Not a bad idea in any case, especially for the unemployed. Or even if you just hate to grocery shop.)

6)  Paleo dieting.  Fish.  Nuts and berries.  Like a detox.  Takes getting used to.  Like fried worms.  Just sayin'.  Start now.

7)  Learn organic chemistry.  Brew beer.  Make wine.  Rediscover the lost art of bathtub gin.  (Just remember - go easy.  The Excedrin factory will be out of commission.)

Well, the list could go on of course, and probably would, but suddenly there is so much to do!  

I am itching to get this going.  But where to start? 

I know.  I promised to check on Scout's mango tree while they're on vacation. 

*Note to self:  Put rack on bike.  Take a sack.  Be watchful.  The neighbors could have sacks of their own.  Who knows, they might have tennis rackets.  Or, oh god,  golf clubs.